An inherent quality of a Chinese family is that one person’s business eventually becomes everyone else’s. Whether I marry or not is the concern of my parents, grandparents, my parents’ siblings, my cousins, my grandparents’ siblings, and whoever is around to catch the news. It’s not at all a horrible thing — if you take the “right” steps and do the right thing, you’ll have lots of people to share your joy and accomplishment with, and I can’t deny enjoying moments of family gathering when the occassion arose. Growing up in a fairly tight family (extended included), I have to admit that receiving approval from my family in all aspects of my life is something that would make me happy. I know, a lot of people tell me my happiness is my own to seek, and I don’t need to accomodate my family to achieve that. It doesn’t have to be their business. But even if you may not understand, it is. Even though I live across the Pacific Ocean from the rest of them and I’m pretty much free to do anything here, I feel that eventually I’ll have to answer to them. All of them. And it would matter to me.

But at the same time, I can’t imagine coming out to the rest of my family. I cannot picture having to defend my own happiness in front of the very people who ultimately, behind criticisms, just want me to be happy, but don’t understand that I would if they could just let me be, and believe me when I say that I am.

Over the phone, when I came out to my mom, she said, “you know, you’ve never really been close to a guy before. Maybe if you met someone and you manage to form a close relationship, you can still share that bond,” and when I tried to say something, she simply asked, “just try, ok? you never know.” I couldn’t say no, even though I knew I wouldn’t try that hard.

My struggle with my family is this: I know they love me, I know I’m accepted, but I can’t find my place in it. I can’t turn my back on them — I really have no reason to, and it would be the most horrible thing to do after all the love and patience they’ve given me. And I feel terribly spoiled and ungrateful for complaining about this, when a lot of us have to face rejection and denial from their families. But to indulge myself for another second — if my family had done that, then it would be up to myself to look for a family elsewhere.

But I guess I shouldn’t say that as if I’ll be able to find one that’s better. Family’s family, and it is what it is. I don’t know if you believe that members of a blood family share something special between them, maybe genes and whatever form they manifest in. I suppose I do, even if I might just be brought up or taught to. But I am who I am because of them, I can’t deny that. If I turn away, I’ll be denying a part of myself.

I remember my dad once said to me, “Of course you might get along better with your friends. You chose your friends; you didn’t get to choose your family. But you’ll come to realize that family is something different: friends come and go, and at the end of the day, your family will still be there for you.”

So I guess even if I wanted to walk away, they’d still be there.